Am I the imposter? Did I commit sabotage?
Jessica Railsback
Because how I see myself seems like a moorage.
Tell me I’m great but I won’t believe you.
Tell me I’m strong, but that ain’t the truth.
I’m not lazy, I just doubt my ability.
So I won’t follow through on my creativity.
I could succeed but I will feel like I failed.
With that my focus will become derailed.
It’s not what I expected and it’s not what I hoped.
Feelings of embarrassment have me choked.
I can work for hours and have nothing to show.
Because the imposter inside won’t let go.
Maybe I’m foolish, Maybe naive.
Maybe they will hate what they perceive.
My pen may be heavy and ideas are full.
But perfectionism tells me they are dull.
Faults hang like guillotine over my head.
Unmet expectations filled with dread.
I know I should ignore these thoughts.
But somehow my mind gets caught.
I know these are lies that are holding me back.
But for some odd reason I can’t get back on track.
Half finished projects sitting next to my big break.
Yet for some reason my mind can’t see past the ache.
At one point we have to silence the imposter.
Let’s put together our own roster.
One by one write down the truth.
One by one they remove the ache from your tooth.
Remember that ninety two percent are lies.
It’s possible that’s where this fear lies.
Remember you were given a purpose.
Find a way to bring it all to the surface.
Maybe then the imposter will finally leave.
And then the magic can finally be conceived.
Imposter Syndrome is a psychological struggle to believe one is doing well despite success. It convinces them that they are a fraud, no matter how successful they are. I found myself struggling with this not too long ago. The Irony stared straight back at me during this time. I had just signed a contract with a publishing company and placed it on my desk. I sat at my desk for several weeks unable to write a word. I was feeling like a failure and wanted to stop in my tracks. I have been discouraged by the few comments I heard from a third party about my poetry being dark or gossip. Despite all the success of my poetry reaching the type of people, I wanted to encourage. I felt so embarrassed and wrote in response to it on social media, but apparently, it didn’t help.
As I thought about about the irony of sitting at my desk with an uncompleted poem next to my big break I wrote “Am I The Imposter?” Shortly after that I was doing much better and started writing again. A week later I would hear a negative comment from a third party. It was painful enough that I wanted to be done, I had decided to stop writing and wanted nothing more than to disappear. The next morning I deleted all my Instagram posts. It would proceed to be a rough couple of days after that. My husband and I agreed that we felt like it was a big mistake to completely stop writing. We decided I would just take a break and think about what to do next. During that time I have written so much more and enjoyed it again. A month would pass and I would realize how much I desired to be successful in others eyes, but there is only one set of eyes I should seek to please and that’s my Gods.
I was walking on eggshells, feeling like I had to explain to every person to why I was doing what I was doing, like they were a parent asking for a report card. I talked it out with my husband and came to peace in knowing that my life is not going to always gain the approval of those around me. That’s okay, I don’t need to justify what I am doing and why I am doing it, if it pleases my Lord. This post is me pressing on with what I know my God has called me to do. It will not be easy and I’m sure I will feel this way again. Yet when I am weak my God’s strength is seen that much more. I hope my poems continue to find those who need a reminder of a good God in a dark world.
Renewed Dream 