I Texted You

I texted you the other day. I wanted to know if you would sit next to me. Don’t worry I never sent it. I realized there was someone else you wanted to sit with. So I held my finger on delete, planning how to occupy my time. I know you wouldn’t want me to stray away, but I realized you aren’t only mine. I can’t keep leaning on you to be brave. In fact me leaning on you has made me afraid, that’s a fact I just have to face. At times I felt a little bitter, proving I am a sinner.

I texted you the other day. As I thought about what to say. I deleted those words that day, because if I am honest, I was afraid. Afraid of sounding like a fool, and wanted to play it cool. I thought of just talking to you the next time we met. I should have known that was too big of a bet. I avoided you for a long list of reasons. Then blaming my loneliness on a season.

Maybe not texting you the other day is a sign I’m pulling away. Overthinking every move I make, and rethinking every word I say. Who have I become? My soul has turned to the slums. So close you were to me, yet I pulled more inside of me. Hidden from society, I fled far out of reach. What would have happened if I reached out. If I told you all of my doubts. Would I have felt this doom if only I texted you.

R.D. Jess