February Newsletter
Finding the Next Sunrise.
Feb, 8th, 2023
In February of 2019 I sat on a couch in a silent home. I was babysitting and the kid was asleep. I was curled up in a corner with a warm blanket and my bible. I was telling God “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.” That’s all I could say. I’m not entirely sure what I meant by that. I knew I was tired and worn. I knew I had been fighting suicidal thoughts and didn’t feel safe anymore. I felt like I was drowning and regretted asking for help. For some reason people thought it would be helpful to shove my head under water and tell me to try harder.
I don’t believe I would have attempted anything on my life, but I kept telling God, “I can’t”. At that moment my doubts were met by God’s consistent behavior. He asked me, “Have I not been faithful to you? Have you not watched me match dark seasons with equal joy? (Psalm 30:5) Imagine how much brighter this will be, when this finally passes.” My mind quickly flashed through every instance that was true. In a way I went into a sort of coma, and shut down. Whatever fight was left in me disappeared and I waited for my God to do what I have always known him to do.
Waiting on the LORD does not mean sitting on your butt waiting for something to happen. In fact if you look at passages in scripture like Isaiah 40:31 “Yet those who wait for the Lord Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary” The word “Wait” in Strong’s looks like this. (to wait, look for, hope, expect.) Do you see the expectancy in the word wait? If anything I learned how to expectantly hope for the light. To obey in pain, to trust in the midst of doubt. All while I did the Growth year program, started a blog, got a job, did missions and watched everyone else’s life move forward while I felt stuck. I waited with expectancy for God to do what he always does.
This past month has been the light at the end of the tunnel. I have had the blessing of watching my life totally flip around and change. No longer stuck on a mountain of ashes. My blog has started to make money (Not the intended purpose of the blog). I became a postpartum doula and was hired by Desert Christian’s preschool. I’ve met someone to help me with my self publishing. My viewership on my blog has skyrocketed and my work ethic has radically changed. I just listed some things that make this season sweet and exciting, but that’s not the point.
The point is to trust God whether things are good or bad. I’ve been hit pretty hard these past couple of weeks. Those dark clouds rolled right back in and began to suffocate me. I found myself saying it over and over again. “I Trust you God. I will obey you until I see that next sunrise.” I knew that darkness is always just a season. I trusted that God loves to give good gifts to those who love Him. So I knew I would enjoy the splendor of the next sunrise in my life; and trusted my life in the hands of God. Knowing full well I am not promised that joy on this side of heaven. As of today (The day I am writing this.) I am seeing that blessed sunrise again. Not because the drama I’m dealing with has gone away, but because I am at peace. I keep singing, “Lord I thank you for sunshine, I thank you for rain. Thank you for joy, thank you for pain. It’s a beautiful day” -Jermaine Edwards “Beautiful day”. I really do mean that phrase, I thank God for the pain.
Next Sunrise (Poem)
I look forward to the next sunrise.
The next moment I feel good inside.
When the sky declares great beauty.
The next moment of security.
When shadows are cast away,
And the sunlight shares its warm embrace.
Resolved closer walks on.
Step by step until all is done.
I look forward to the next sunrise.
When hope glimmers in my eyes.
-R.D. Jess
Renewed Dream 