A New Chapter
Sea of sorrows By – R.D. Jess
Into the belly of the sea I must go. To find the sinking ship and it’s sorrows.
To learn what caused it to sink below. And why it’s ghost always follows.
The raging sea and thunder clashed. The sound of jumping ship splashed.
Cold tears see the heavens and sinks alone. The lonely sea sings a silent tone.
Into the belly of the sea I did go. Finding all my ghostly sorrows.
Let the lost ship rest down below. The past shouldn’t dare and follow.
Goodbye sinking ship of my past. My feet on solid ground at last.
I was shaken by the ghosts that roamed. Letting out the darkest groans.
Sail away on the sea of foam. For the sea of sorrows is no-longer your home.
I wrote this poem in November of 2021. I had not only just returned from a New Jersey trip, but I had also been home and left again. I noticed how stark my behavior was while gone and when home. I had read a few books on neuroscience and knew enough that it was a red flag. My body was trying to protect me from something that resembled the pain of the past. I wrote this poem knowing that I was entering into the belly of a beast. Not everyone escapes when they enter, but I knew this could not continue into my future. In the beginning of the adventure I knew where to start, but I had no idea where it would take me. As I told my mom recently, “Our house never knew peace, we were always in some chaos or another.” Creating a dysregulated Jessica trying to figure out how to bring peace. My body has always been in the flight, fight, freeze and fawn state. (You didn’t know there was a fawn state now did you?) Creating an autoimmune disease that has been eating at me and making my skin burn.
So why am I sharing this with you? If you have been keeping up with my poems I’ve released over the past year. You have had a greater insight into my life than those closest to me. You’ve seen the dark shadows and ghosts that have haunted me. That was literally making me sick. You deserve to know the light I’ve found on this journey. How after the agonizing battles the sun shines that much brighter.
To many people this might sound like petty victories, but for the neuroscience world. I have made enormous improvement, considering I’ve done this without the aid of meds or doctors. I prefer people to see the real miracle worker; our LORD. My body was so numb, it had shut down non essentials in order to survive. Including but not limited to, sight, sound, taste, smell and touch. I was a shell, I literally watched the world from outside my body. For the first time I could smell a flower. I had always pretended to smell them, mimicking the behavior of those around me. I can see color now. It wasn’t like I was only seeing black and white, but I couldn’t register what I was seeing. I couldn’t hear music or birds chirping. Time after time, I found myself frozen because I could hear, feel, taste or see things I had never seen before. I’ve unloaded so many bricks from my backpack since september. I’ve grieved and rejoiced. I’ve Seen sorrow and felt absolute delight. I’m not alone anymore. I have friends who randomly ask me to go out for lunch, and check in.
I’ve taken risks… Like a lot of crazy risks. At times I think I’m flying off the rails. (These risks might mean nothing to you normal folk.) When I look at what I’ve done during the past year I see how God was the one working not me. I got a front row seat to watch God undo the agony burning red on my skin. To say my world view has changed is understatement. Somehow I am wearing both the rose colored glasses and the glasses of a cynic. I recognize what’s happened and I’m okay with it. Those chapters of my life have closed. I can’t go back and rewrite them, but I can choose to start writing this one.
I’ve entered into something very new, with all sorts of possibilities. At times I’m afraid of being stuck in the same place doing the same thing I’ve done my whole life. Then there are times I’m sitting with my friends and I know this is different. Sure I’m working Sunday school class because they needed more help, but I am also working with a wonderful team. I’m challenging students in Jr.high, and getting the chance to invest specifically in their lives. I’m not running as thin as I have in the past. Now I have people pouring back into me. I have a world where I can actually interact with my five senses. I have people I love, and I know they love me. Which is a huge feat because I didn’t believe people could ever love me as much as I love them. Yet I do! Friends who text me often and ask to hang out. A friend who reads all my draft work despite not being a reader. A friend made me a separate gluten free bread so that I could join in communion for the first time in a year. They’ve all shown me sacrificial love that has both broken and healed me. It’s been one of the many gifts I’ve been given in this past year. I’ve entered this year wanting to Live. To see the love of our amazing LORD in the lives of others. I don’t know if this is the end of my sea of sorrows but I know every part of my life has been in the hands of someone I trust.
I trust my LORD, no matter what’s next. This is January, the month everyone makes resolutions. Despite what people think, resolutions are not supposed to be goals. “Resolutions are who you are resolved to be. Resolutions are an identity change not a thing you are going to do.” says Dr. John Delony. I’m asking myself. “Who do I want to be? What do I want my life to look like?” My New Year’s resolution is to live a life. You can do something great this year, What’s holding you back? I’ve decided I want to be Transparent, Loving, Confidant, Merciful and Wise. I want to take risks and enjoy the gifts God has given me. I want to live my own life, not being pressured into someone else’s. God has given me the gift of life, so I’m going to honor it!