November Newsletter

Hosea 6: 1-3

“Come, let’s return to the Lord.

For He has torn us, but He will heal us;

He has wounded us, but He will bandage us.

He will revive us after two days;

He will raise us up on the third day,

That we may live before Him.

So let’s learn, let’s press on to know the Lord.

His appearance is as sure as the dawn;

And He will come to us like the rain,

As the spring rain waters the earth.”

-NASB

November 16th 2022

I feel like a wounded sheep returning to the fold of my shepherd. I’ve honestly been surprised by the quick healing and restoration. Even though I’m the one this is happening to, I feel like I’m watching it from the outside. I’m watching Him be strategic and effective. Quickly working through each step in the perfect order. At first I wasn’t sure if this break would be long enough, but now I’m wondering if it is too long. 

This could change everything! Let me tell you of the journey I’ve taken and the God who breaks in order to heal. I’ve written a lot about manipulation, fear of man, hurt and sorrow over the past year. I talked a lot about letting it go, but it always seemed to return. No matter how hard I tried to move on, it always seemed to follow. Now I don’t feel like I have a shadow hovering over me. I don’t feel like I am trudging on with a ball and chain. The world around me seems to be euphoric. 

How did I get here after being so mad and bitter? The answer is forgiveness. One night I returned home from my college group. I talked with my younger sister about how we hate jumping through hoops in order to serve. My family has been told time after time that we aren’t popular so fill in the blank. I was telling my sister how I feel responsible for the pain my family has endured at this church. You see, we were church hunting during a painful period awhile back. We got in the car and debriefed the church we looked at. When I told my family that “We shouldn’t leave a church we are accountable to, just because it hurts.” If only I didn’t say that all those years ago. When my sister and I finished talking I went into my room. I was struck with grief. For the first time, I mourned the loss of a loved one. I cried for my family in many different ways. Realizing all the scars they bare from our choice to stay. I cried like I’ve never cried before. Then the strangest thing happened.

 I began to pray and pleaded with God to not harm a hair on so and so’s head. I listened to myself pray these words “Do not punish – name –  for what they have done. I do not hold their accounts against them. So, do not hold their wrongs against them. I have forgiven them, wipe their account clean.” I slept well that night, but had to ice my eyes before going on a photoshoot with a friend of mine in the morning. She did all the pictures you see of me in this post. Thanks Susie!

I had one more night just like that before I got my hands on a book called “The boundage breaker.” I was skeptical of this book at first, but ended up finding a lot of freedom in the end. At one part it said, “Forgiveness is agreeing to live with the consequences of another person’s sin. Forgiveness is costly; we pay the price of the evil we forgive.” I sat out in my backyard writing down a list of every person who had ever hurt me or my family and began to forgive them. I sat there praying out loud for a good while as I forgave every offense as specifically as I possibly could. I accepted those scars and was okay with what it had done to me. For the first time I felt sound in my mind. I could breathe! 

After I finished that book I started a book called “Suffering” by Paul David Trip. He explained that we suffer mainly how we suffer our suffering. I started to ask myself, “How do I want to suffer this?”. I coupled that with learning to feel emotions again. I’ll spare you that fun Neuroscience for now. I began to see how important my pain was. Whether I felt joy or pain this past month, I thought to myself this is good. This keeps me from becoming numb to the world. (My Hypothesis to Depression. I’ll talk about that another time.) I wrote something recently as I thought about this.

(Hope in the pain)
“We need the highs and lows.
We need delight and sorrows.
For joy makes life worth living, 
While pain reminds me I’m still living. 
I’ve learned to say “this is good”.
Even if things don’t go as I think they should.
I need this.
We all need it. 
To keep depression at bay.
To find hope in the pain. 
To enjoy God’s gifts.
 Even if only for a little bit.”

-R.D.Jess

This started the concept of boundaries. I can tell people no, and do what’s best for me. Again, I get to live with my decisions. This got tested real fast. There was a lady who showed up at the college group, right after I had finally felt sound in my mind. I’m a bleeding heart. I hear a cry for help and I jump to the chase. I quickly learned this girl was manipulative and a liar. I just caught on too late. She already knew I was a perfect target, and exploited it. I’ve had many conversations with people about her. For your sake I will spare you the details. I’ll tell you this. Her mere presence was enough to send me into a spiral. I felt like a psychopath the following days. I had to reach out to people and ask them to pray for me.