Hosea 6: 1-3
“Come, let’s return to the Lord.
For He has torn us, but He will heal us;
He has wounded us, but He will bandage us.
He will revive us after two days;
He will raise us up on the third day,
That we may live before Him.
So let’s learn, let’s press on to know the Lord.
His appearance is as sure as the dawn;
And He will come to us like the rain,
As the spring rain waters the earth.”-NASB
This could change everything! Let me tell you of the journey I’ve taken and the God who breaks in order to heal. I’ve written a lot about manipulation, fear of man, hurt and sorrow over the past year. I talked a lot about letting it go, but it always seemed to return. No matter how hard I tried to move on, it always seemed to follow. Now I don’t feel like I have a shadow hovering over me. I don’t feel like I am trudging on with a ball and chain. The world around me seems to be euphoric.
How did I get here after being so mad and bitter? The answer is forgiveness. One night I returned home from my college group. I talked with my younger sister about how we hate jumping through hoops in order to serve. My family has been told time after time that we aren’t popular so fill in the blank. I was telling my sister how I feel responsible for the pain my family has endured at this church. You see, we were church hunting during a painful period awhile back. We got in the car and debriefed the church we looked at. When I told my family that “We shouldn’t leave a church we are accountable to, just because it hurts.” If only I didn’t say that all those years ago. When my sister and I finished talking I went into my room. I was struck with grief. For the first time, I mourned the loss of a loved one. I cried for my family in many different ways. Realizing all the scars they bare from our choice to stay. I cried like I’ve never cried before. Then the strangest thing happened.
I began to pray and pleaded with God to not harm a hair on so and so’s head. I listened to myself pray these words “Do not punish – name – for what they have done. I do not hold their accounts against them. So, do not hold their wrongs against them. I have forgiven them, wipe their account clean.” I slept well that night, but had to ice my eyes before going on a photoshoot with a friend of mine in the morning. She did all the pictures you see of me in this post. Thanks Susie!
After I finished that book I started a book called “Suffering” by Paul David Trip. He explained that we suffer mainly how we suffer our suffering. I started to ask myself, “How do I want to suffer this?”. I coupled that with learning to feel emotions again. I’ll spare you that fun Neuroscience for now. I began to see how important my pain was. Whether I felt joy or pain this past month, I thought to myself this is good. This keeps me from becoming numb to the world. (My Hypothesis to Depression. I’ll talk about that another time.) I wrote something recently as I thought about this.
This started the concept of boundaries. I can tell people no, and do what’s best for me. Again, I get to live with my decisions. This got tested real fast. There was a lady who showed up at the college group, right after I had finally felt sound in my mind. I’m a bleeding heart. I hear a cry for help and I jump to the chase. I quickly learned this girl was manipulative and a liar. I just caught on too late. She already knew I was a perfect target, and exploited it. I’ve had many conversations with people about her. For your sake I will spare you the details. I’ll tell you this. Her mere presence was enough to send me into a spiral. I felt like a psychopath the following days. I had to reach out to people and ask them to pray for me.
I thought I never said “no”, so much in my life when I wrote my last newsletter. Never mind this month has that one beat. I don’t need a good reason why I can’t meet up with someone on a specific day. If I don’t want to talk or meet with them; then I don’t. I can’t support everyone in my life. I get to choose who is a part of it. The best part is I don’t have to be polite.
I feel so much stronger, but every time I try to pick up that sword and swing. God makes it clear that it is not time for me to pick it up yet. It’s almost like I need to wait. Even though I’m so over waiting. I feel like I’m in the middle of starting over but I can’t start. I want to do something. I want my life to start, I want things to come together. I’ve never liked being roped in with a lazy generation. I guess this waiting is helping me get over the fear of looking like I’m not doing anything. Even though my problem in the first place was doing so much I could never actually live. God’s given me a life, I better live it.
If you made it this far in the newsletter, let me know by commenting “October is over”. Let me know if you like the length of this newsletter. Thank you and God bless.