Peter at Calvary

His eyes looked back at me, the roosters squawk still ringing in my ears. I recount His words alongside mine. Three times, three times I denied my Lord. Just as He said and what I said I would never do. Is it truly possible to be numb and still move? Time moves in slow motion, I am pressed by the weight of understanding. I have to look away, good timing too since I throw up. I am mortified by the beating of my Lord and mortified about my denial. How often did I proclaim my devotion to Him, yet I always fell short of my proclamation. Now here I am, denying my Lord. Silence is pretty bad but, denial must be worse.

Trembling with each step I followed Jesus. Blood soaked wounds and swollen eyes, this is the man who came to redeem us? I heard a voice far off, like my memories reminding me of words I heard before. “The greatest act of love is laying your life down for someone.” My eyes lock with Jesus’s once again and some how I know what His eyes are saying. I am doing this for you peter. They whip Him to get Jesus moving faster. He isn’t moving forward because of the pain, but because of us. Those words weren’t just for me, but also for ever person. including the people throwing rocks and spitting on Him.

He falls, how is Jesus still alive? He rises not out of fear but as if He won’t give up. I feel so much pain, a knife driving deeper into my gut. This is suffocating, I can’t help but cry out. NO, Lord I don’t want to loose You! I can’t watch you die, I don’t understand. I need you to explain, I am so conflicted. I look around and see those of us who followed you. Everyone went home beating their chest, we stayed as soft tears fell from our eyes. What are we supposed to do now?

-R.D. Jess

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Hi, I am R.D. Jess. I am a christian writer and postpartum doula. My relationship with my God is not a religion but a state of who I am. I love being there for others and find that writing the hard truth is the best way to make people feel less alone.

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