Can We Change the Past?

I had her in my hands, do you not get that! I can tell you the answer to that, you don’t. You sleep just fine every night while I am haunted by the memory of that day. I keep thinking what I could have done differently to keep her safe? If only I stayed with her, maybe she would be alive right now. She should have been the one to live. Then she would be baking cookies and having more people over then I am comfortable with. She was the nice one, I should have been the one to…

Ok, lets slow your breath down and just take it slow. Find that beauty not the pain, Like how she bakes cookies.

Yeah, yeah, he said as he waved his hand in dismissal. You have told me that plenty of times Dr. Peterson. I can quote you word for word. That ” The more we focus on the darkness, the further we fall into it”, I also know that I am supposed to balance out the lies with truth. That way I will not be consumed be the lies I am telling myself. I know these things… He raked his hands through his hair as he sat down across from the shrink. Eddie use to look strong, but his whole demeanor seemed to to collapse in the chair. He let out a long breath as if giving up.

Eddie, I can hear the announce in your voice towards those words you just quoted. Which tells me you know there true, yet you still are choosing the pain. Why? Why are you making yourself suffer?

Eddie blurted out, because I don’t want to forget her. He had no idea why he said that. Nor did he understand why there was so much anger in his words. He tried to change his answer by explaining that he should have been there for her, that he should have never left her alone. If only I was there, then Kate would be alive. If I could go back in time every thing would be different. Pick up the broken pieces before they even broke. I would be holding her, I would still be holding her. Tears flowed from Eddie as he spoke of his wife, I am her husband. My Job was to protect her, Ha we can see how well I did at that Job.

Silence hung in the air longer then it should have, but Dr. Peterson was thinking. Eddie, we are going to do something else today. It may or may not end the way you would like it to. I need you to lay down on the couch, and close your eyes. I am going to give you the chance to change the past. Eddie opened his eyes in surprise to the doctors words. He wanted to ask her what she meant, but when he opened his eyes she was not their. In fact he wasn’t even in the office any more, in stead he was standing next to his wife. She was holding unto a plush little bear and smiling brighter then the sun.

He was back at the fair, the worst day in his life. Eddie quickly drew his wife into his arms, hugging her close and never wanting to let her go. The only words He could say was I love you, Oh I love you. Eddie what’s the matter? He knew all to well what the problem was and he had no idea how he would change it. He just pulled her close, as the explosions began. They were tossed by the force into one of the stations filled with tons of stuffed prizes. His ears rang once again, a sound that haunted him for so many years. He made up his mind, he will not leave his wife this time. She would stay in his arms, she would live.


Dr. Peterson closed her note book and sighed. By morning she would know if Eddie was able to change the past. She had a policy with her self to never send someone back in time, the out come was not always pleasant. If anything she had learned that death could never change, God has set in place a time for everyone. Maybe Eddie would find peace in being with her, but at what cost? He had saved hundreds of people that day; his only regret was he left his wife to do it. While He saved people from a terrorist his wife was killed by one as she was hiding. She pulled out the news paper from his file explaining his heroism, and laid it on her desk. If it changed by morning she would be the only one who would know.

-R.D. Jess

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Hi, I am R.D. Jess. I am a christian writer and postpartum doula. My relationship with my God is not a religion but a state of who I am. I love being there for others and find that writing the hard truth is the best way to make people feel less alone.

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