I have this feeling! I just wish it would go away, but since it’s inside of me I can’t rip it out of me and be done with it. No, I have to live with it’s presents. when I show up to an interview like today, this bubbling, dark and cold hole seems to grow inside of me. I feel like a black hole is swallowing me whole from the inside out. I touch up my look and take a deep breath in, as if this will make the feeling go away. I let the air out and straiten myself, I hold a composer of a Strong confident woman. Even though that is far from how I feel. I know what I am doing, I have this under control I tell myself. The moments from my car to the door seem fuzzy, a gap in my memory. Take another deep breath and slow release before I open this door, still no peace. I swing the door open, the pressures on. I smile and put on the charm. Good morning, hoping that they could tell how friendly I am.
Without looking up the receptionist informs me to write down my name and the time I arrived. A long list of names already visible these are the people I am up against. Still without eye contact the receptionist hands me paper to fill out. I sit in a hard chair that gives me a full view of what is going on around me. I began filling out the paper and I feel as if I am signing my life away. once I finished filling it out I returned it to lady at the desk. Sitting in my cold chair once again I look around the room. They all seem more qualified this is all intimidating. I hear a whisper “you don’t belong here”. I trusted it and wanted to run out the door. Run, and never look back. I enter this vision many times before, the same anxiety building up; then me running out the door. It is, as if there is this build up of energy before it is released in my fast exit. Someone calls a name, but it is not mine.
The adrenaline wears off and I begin to think. My thoughts drift into outward look into my life. knowing what needs to happen. Sometimes I run out the door without a second glance. Other times I rise looking at all the other faces in the room and wish to stay in their presents. I have to let go, a soft smile crosses my face and tears well up in my eyes. I turn to walk to the door, as it opens I look back one last time. I don’t know if it is to say good bye or to saver that moment one last time. My name is called and I walk through a long hall way. More time escapes me, somehow I work where I do not want to work. Why is it when I want to run I must stay, and when I want to stay I must walk away. I must stay here for now because of the stupid Decisions I made a few years ago. If I followed thru then I would be where I should be, where I should have been. Why was I so blind then, to walk off the path I should have gone. I changed my life for others and that left us both unsatisfied. I most live with the monsters that are chasing me.
No! I must stop burying myself in things from the past If I never let go I will never breathe again. A long hall appears before me in my head, my dream world. The only place I can make reality make since. This hallway is more like a long series of rooms connected by a multitude of doors. Each room held a memories, some sweet and blissful. While others held the demons that where always chasing after me. With that I knew what I must do. with every ounce in me I ran to the start of the hallway. I will make my way back to the present while addressing each room in its proper way. For every good memory I gave myself one last look and farewell before I closed the door and walked away. Some farewells was as simple as picking up an item of importance hugging it close before placing it down in it’s rightful place. Other timers I would hug someone for a good long moment. When I addressed the rooms of my demons and monsters who followed me into my present. I would run threw the room dodging the attacks before slamming the door closed and locking it.
If I learned anything from what happened was this. The events from the pass are not what is causing my pain, But me re opening the doors I should have locked a long time ago. I should have dealt with each one according to what needed to be done. There is no need to re open those wounds by purposely going back into those memories, allowing the memories to drive me into insanity. That is why it is important to lock and throw away the key. The burdens of the past are to heavy to Carry into the present, and the present is hard enough with out the burden of the future. So, for now on I will walk thru each room one at a time, addressing them as I should; then closing the door. I take a breath and walk on, just like this job interview. I need to walk thru this room in order to get to the next.